Taboo

'I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this.'

Looks can be deceiving and I think we can all agree on this, we are all masters of deception and disguise when it comes to showing people all of our being and true colours. Mental illness is no joke, and people need to understand that it is always easier said then done in any situation when it comes to having a mental illness. Waking up becomes a mission and a half, getting up is just as bad you start to fall into this constant routine going through life's motions without a single glance up at the world because you've belittled your entity to only coexist with people. You start to no longer deem yourself worthy to be considered a living human being, you no longer see yourself as a person only a carrier of organs. 5 years ago I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, all of these things occurred for me every single day, I had felt so hopeless, so worthless. I could not think about the next day let alone the next few hours from the moment I was currently in, it would make me too anxious to envision because I thought I wouldn't live longer to see the next day or the day after that. It was my constant thoughts on a daily basis. Nobody knew this about me, I was too afraid what people might say, might think of me, but most of all I was ashamed. Ashamed of myself for being so weak. I hid it. I hid it well because people assumed I was this happy, innocent girl who had a love for everything but I didn't. I couldn't.
I couldn't find joy in anything, my thoughts were too dark to see towards the light that had always been ahead of me. I was always told, it's all in your head, it's all in your head, you'll get over it; as if I would choose to think like this willingly. As if I chose this black dog to be apart of my life. My depression was and still is such a taboo topic for me because of the discrimination I thought I'd receive from people, but to my surprise I hardly got that, from most I got support, from others I did get judgment and scrutiny because they thought I was just being lazy and stupid. For me although I had gotten all that love, it was the criticism on my behavior that got to me the most. You don't fully understand depression until you actually go through it or any mental illness, who are YOU to pass judgment on a person because they can't be in public places, or do simple things such as chores when all they want to do is burst into tears.
I have only just become somewhat okay talking about my depression because I feel that there are people out there who I can help through my shared experiences, what had worked for me and what didn't. I would never in a million years wish this upon anyone. Everyday is a battle for me, it never will stop being a war it is something that I will have to live with for the rest of my life.

Stay mad, stay beautiful.
Sharoan.

Just a photo of yours truly.
Stay mad, stay beautiful.

'A thing of beauty is a joy forever.'
- John Keats

I am a sucker for motivational, inspirational and beautiful quotes. I can remember when I was in my year 11 and 12 at school I use to memorize quotes or short poems and just say them to people, it would be some daily inspiration or 'words of wisdom' from me. I would repeat this almost everyday and usually to the same people, I would like to think that in a way that it brightened their spirits just that little bit. I use to be called cute for doing that. I never found anything cute about it at all. It was inspirational.
This is what I mean by trying to make people smile, I would and sometimes still do, unnecessarily go out of my way to make someone smile or make someones day better, my Mum always says that it's just in my nature to do that and I will admit growing up I have been a people pleaser, meaning I was that 'yes girl', I could never ever say no. I still can't. I was normally taken advantage of because of this, others would use my kindness against me, even in my close knit friends circle I wouldn't dare say no just because of who I am I always and sometimes still am in that state of mind that I owe them something and that friends do that kind of stuff for friends, right?
The funniest thing to me though that because of me being taken advantage of for being too kind was my twin sister offered to give me lessons on 'how to be mean', it did not work at all I would still cave to anything somebody asked me to do. As I grew older I started to realize that this wasn't a good thing at all, friends aren't suppose to use you, people in general aren't suppose to use you for your kindness. That just wasn't how it worked but I guess that's how humans are 'programmed' to think lately, that it is okay to take advantage of a person who has such a kind heart. I guess you could say that this is what hardened me on the inside, I got so sick of people constantly walking all over me because yes I did allow them to do so but I grew up and had a huge wake up call.
I can now say that I am 'normal' in that sense where I am not 'too' kind although I think there is no such thing as too kind, and I'm not a horrible person I have mastered a great balance of both.
I will never stop trying to put a smile on somebodies face or make their day that little bit brighter even if I don't use words I try to smile because like some people say 'a smile goes a long way.'
Stay mad, stay beautiful.

This blog is going to be like a digital diary, everything that I post on here will be my own personal thoughts, emotions and experiences and moments that I would love to share.
This blog is going to help me to open up myself in a way where I can express myself freely on what I say and show, she is my therapist.
I say we start with introductions.

My name is Sharoan as shown to the right, I am 17 years of age and trying to figure myself out in the world and where I stand, as I am currently unemployed and not studying anything at the moment as this is my gap year. I guess you could call be an optimistic and a pessimistic, I am a walking contradiction we all are for that matter, my thinking is both half empty and half full I can never decide which brings me to this next interesting fact, I am indecisive. Throughout my whole life I can not think of a time where I haven't been able to pick what or where I want to eat straight away the choice always varies and I always have someone else pick for me as it takes way to long, not only does it happen in my nutritional needs but also in my future choices for careers, people say it is a part of being young and that nobody knows what they are going to be but my generation almost everybody knows what they want to be except me, which is a struggle.
I consider myself to be an introvert at the best of times which makes it hard to talk to people so casually and comfortably. Almost like everybody I doubt myself and my ability to excel to my full potential, it comes with being an insecure person who for my whole life has been compared to someone. This brings me to my next fact I am a twin, it is fun and cool having at least one friend even if not by choice but there is also the downside everybody thinks you are the same person in separate bodies, that you share the same interests as one another and do the same things the other does. It's a  competition that you don't even know that is going on.
On a more brighter note I enjoy reading, when I have my own place I want to have a library full of almost every genre, my safe haven it will be. I was inspired by this when I saw Beauty and the Beast for the first time.
I have a passion for all types of art, especially art painting, art history and literature, it is so pleasing to all my senses.
I love learning new things even if it is little it will be in my mind always, I'm not book smart but I am smart in a way which I can understand and few people I would say.

As much as I would love to keep writing I have to stop for now.
Stay mad, stay beautiful.